Wednesday, December 29, 2010

WAKE UP LZRD HOLLYWOOD

HA HA HA! i clicked to the seventh dimensional fish who'd escaped from my building's elevator shaft. I wheld up the FLYER some thing had slipped under my door crack and waved it around, stirring the tiny air molecules that fed the lava on my floor. I had to strand on a stack of disfigured Barbies to avoid the sulfurous bubbling
THIS HERE says, I said, that if I'm not shropping at LEON'S then I'm paying too much for my antiques and must be CRAZY! I laugged again at the notion. LEON IS THE CRAZY ONE, HE KEEPS HIS LIZARD-ALLIANCE FLAG IN THE CORNER OF HIS STORE'S WINDOW!
I rocked me and armadillo to sleep to visit of our favorite world where the mud bubbles and sound of Mother's bandages always rip, and we dream and sleep and listen.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Ricky, the depressed second grade solipsist

If all this exists only in my mind
why has my mind created such offensively puerile torture.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Velociraptor Who Ruined & Then Saved Christmas

Only after the velociraptor had attacked, eviscerated, and finished devouring the plump, greasy naked pink ape who had climbed into its cave did it realize what it had done. The jingling of the sleigh bells perched atop its rocky lair and unmistakable mixture of elaphine stink and jolliness made its nostrils quiver with voracious hunger and sudden guilt.
"OH NO!" it shrieked, red specks of gristle flying from its steel-strong jaw. "I've ruined CHRISTMAS! How will I fix this mess?"
It plopped onto the icy cave floor as well as a velociraptor can plop and buried its head in its razor sharp claw hands. Out of the corner of its emotionless amber eye, in a pool of viscerae, it spotted starlight glinting, ever so slightly, off of what looked to be short fur.
"Is that— could it be—" it squealed hopefully, snortling quickly and leaning forward to peer. Despite the velociraptor's colorblindness and the bloody mess of the puddle, it was sure the fur was pure, jolly red. It lifted it up out of the clumpy bloodied mass. "His hat!"
Fitting the Santa hat over its bony skull, it gnashed victoriously in the air and let out a hideous, cacophonous scream. "THIS CHRISTMAS IS FUCKING CRETACEOUS!"