Manny the Manatee: The Blog Post: The Movie

Listen the fuck up, Disney. You're terrible. You're struggling. You need a movie with a--are you listening?--MANATEE IN IT. They're no diggity SO HOT right now. 87 out of 92 stupid kids agree, manatees are the new vampires. "Oh no!" you pussies are thinking. "Now we have to write some movie about manatees! What the hell are manatees?" ERRRNNNNNHHHH (STEPPING ON BREAKS NOISE)!! HOLD IT, you Disney corporate fatcat wall streets! I ALREADY wrote this goddamn movie FOR you!!! It's about a Manatee named MANNY and he has a girl friend and a bad hammerhead Shark nemesis and why the fuck not a slow loris friend, because kids are too stupid to know what slow lorises is. It can talk with a Jamaican accent or some shit. Now, a bunch of cartoon industry dumbfucks, including yourselves, are thinking 3-D and CGI are the new way to go. WRONG!!! Just LOOK at the Accessories folder in your Start launch and see for yourselves -- it's MS PAINT. Kids these days don't learn jackshit about art ANYWHERE. Schools don't have money for art classes, and when kids DO get markers and glue, they spend all their time huffing or smoking it while sexting their teachers. The first experience this new generation of children get with art is awkwardly drawing Spongebob giving it to that fucking squirrel using the spray tool on the universal art-making program, MS PAINT. Not sold yet? Well, fuck you too. And read this excerpt from my script I typed on WORD, a professional word processing program:

MANNY I am save the ocean? But I am scarewd! TITTERELLA I belief in you I think the water neds you ot MANNY STOP TALKING I NEED TO THINIK OK JAMBI THE SLOW LORIS Ya mon like lit da mon dink he ned to sef os fram da shork do MANNY Jambi i Can always count of you for sense. JAMBI THE SLOW LORIS (gets hits in the nuts with a starfish) Oyyyy monnn, my notttts!! (author's note: catchphrase JACKPOT)

I will share the rest of this script and drawings with you, Disney or whoever else has money, for the low low price of 250 grand and a lifetime supply of weed. Drop ya info below if you know what's good for ya!

COMING TO THEATERZ NEAR YOU

POLTERHEIST
Screenplay by K.L. Ingram & B.E. Ferdinand D.D.S.

PLOT SUMMARY
It was an ordinary brisk fall day in Horror Falls, Maryland. Little did paranormal specialist Sam Cranston (Keanu Reeves) know that that day, America would depend on him to thwart one thief’s nefarious plot to steal the nation’s most precious historical artifacts, its largest reserve of gold ingots, and the White House.

But there’s just one problem—this thief, Aloysius Nutgomery (voiced by Mark Wahlberg), is pretty unconventional. So unconventional that he’s actually an invisible spirit from the underworld, bent on revenge against the country that betrayed him. But what about Sam’s pending wedding to beautiful Maria (Beyonce), the exotic stripper with a heart of gold and a doctorate in cryptozoology, and his angst-filled but good-hearted daughter (Demi Lovato) getting kicked out of private school and fired from her dog-walking job on the day before her homecoming date with the hottest guys in school (the Jonas brothers)?

Supporting cast includes John Malkovich as Pentworth Q. Moneydollars, Al Pacino as Dr. Wilfred Cranston, Katy Perry as President Tina, Dolly Parton as herself, and Queen Latifah as the voice of Eloisa, the Sassy Poltergeist. Available in 3D and IMAX.

EXCERPT

SAM CRANSTON
Madam President, I have something very important to tell you.

PRESIDENT TINA
I am listening now.

SAM CRANSTON
A poltergeist is going to steal the White House.

PRESIDENT TINA
What.

SAM CRANSTON
Yuh.

PRESIDENT TINA
Whoa. Are you sure.

SAM CRANSTON
Uh, I have been researching the paranormal for like years. So I am so sure. This morning I stopped the poltergeist from stealing the Fox Diamond and Lincoln’s first tricycle, and then before lunch I stopped him from taking the gold ingots from the Treasury building.

PRESIDENT TINA
[Drops presidential robes seductively]
I bet you are so tired. Big boy.

SAM CRANSTON
Ms. President please. We have work to do. And I am going to marry a very lovely lady. [checks watch] …in TWO HOURS? OH NO!!!

PRESIDENT TINA
[Puts robes back on] We better get to work then. We have a White House to save and the love of your life for you to wed.

SAM CRANSTON

Yuh.

[End scene]