Thursday, September 30, 2010

The sweet _______ of success!

AH! The taste of success! It tastes suspiciously like halitosis, but brushing with baking soda and gargling hydrogen peroxide won't cure success, I can assure you. Take a deep breath. What does it feel like to fill your lungs with so much successful air? I hope you didn't exhale out of your rank mouth right before you breathed that air in. Try again without doing that. There. Now that's successful air filling your successful lungs. Successful people go jogging, own complicated phones, wear clothes they didn't get from bums in exchange for Popeye's leftovers, and brush their teeth at least twice a day (or get their maids to do it for them! Ha ha!!!). Go buy an original Vermeer, have it covered in platinum, diamonds (extra blood, please!), and dodo leather, and blow it up inside the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln. God damn it feels good to be alive! Or should I say it feels good to be successful and alive? What's the point of having the second without the first! AHHHHH, FUCKING SUCCESS!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

An exploration of happiness

What is happiness like? Is it like a dog on a mountain of muffins?

Is it like two friends swinging on a swingset?

It might be like learning to love new friends no matter where you are.

Or maybe happiness is like a child actress portraying a robot on a 1980s sitcom standing next to a fake refrigerator filled with fake burritos.

Or perhaps it's the opposite of that. I can't remember!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Let's get erotic!

I close my eyes and sigh, my hands gliding over your slippery back, my lips following your long jawline. Your free hand tangles in my hair as your mouth slides against my neck as I try to unhook your work overalls. “Oh Big Boy,” I breathe against your ear, a smile in my voice, your hamburger trailing down my body. “You’re the best I ever had.”
--- excerpt from my upcoming erotic food novel

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Shark and Shrimp meet at a watering hole

Shrimp and Elephant, after many hours of riding, came upon a watering hole whose clean sharp scent they could smell and taste in the air long before they could see it. As they eagerly drew near to drink, they found another pair of riders approaching the water from the other side.
"Ho, fellow travelers!" greeted Shark and Other Elephant.
Elephant shifted uneasily. "Ho," said Shrimp. "We do not want any trouble. We are very thirsty and will be on our way after refreshing ourselves here."
"Oh, us too, us too," said Shark. "Whyever would we give you trouble? You and I, we are fellow creatures of the sea. We must stick together. Perhaps there we were enemies, but on land we are as foreign and confused as our elephants would be in the oceans, and the troubles we face here are far too great to turn against our fellow lonely friends who once dwelt in waters."
Shrimp thought about this. "You might be right, but even so, we will drink our fill and be on our way."
Shark nodded and climbed down from Other Elephant. "Very well, your choice," Shark answered with a bow.
Shrimp dismounted to get a drink alongside Elephant. As soon as Shrimp's head dipped into the cool clean water, Shark splashed across the watering hole and ate Shrimp up in one bite. Shark felt the futile wriggling going down its gullet and sighed with satisfaction as the thrashing came to a stop. Shark turned and jeered at Elephant.
"What good is caution," grinned Shark, kicking the water towards Elephant, "to an anthropomorphic fictional shark?"
Shark and Other Elephant rode away into the Photoshopped forests, and Elephant stood alone at the edge of the watering hole, wondering what anthropomorphic meant.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Zeke, the lonely space cowboy

Perched on a slowly revolving ring of Saturn, Zeke the lonely space cowboy chewed his salted pork and corn pone sandwich solemnly.
“What do you think is out there?” he said to his trusty bay Willie, who whuffled into her helmet. He narrowed his eyes at the planets and stars that shone and winked in the inky vacuum.
“Probably a lot of stuff I could fuck,” he said, and he put down his sandwich with the brilliance of this revelation. “Willie, we got ourselves a new adventure!”

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Ariel has a sad bath

Ariel lowered herself into her new bathtub, the warm, clean water unfamiliar and unpleasant to her dry, newly human skin. Suddenly a ridiculous bubble of desperate hope rose and burst in her chest. She reached both her hands into the water to search for underwater friends hidden in the tub. After several minutes of scanning and grasping at imagined flickers of movement in the empty water and finding no one, she gave up. Ariel sat alone in the saltless barren water and sighed. She settled back against the too-cold porcelain to wait for a servant to fetch her for yet another confusing meal with strangers.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Brine Meridian, or the Evening Gherkins in the West

Thanks to strict new pickle rustling laws, sunlight shines safely upon packs of plentiful unplucked pickles. All is right with the world.