Monday, December 14, 2015

the hot dogs of 2015

^^ this one is #1. no doubt in my mind

Monday, May 4, 2015

life of Joss!!!!!!!!!

Joss Whedon awoke with his hand firmly grasping his awful dick.

"Oh boy," he giggled to himself before he even opened his eyes. "Life deals you a real crazy deck, huh?" His wife did not stir. She had long since tuned out his giggles.

His wife was a Roomba he had taped a "W" onto so that it covered up her R. He assured her this was most "witty."

"Maybe... I should have said crazy DICK!!" He paused, groping for his Moleskine with one hand while the other still gripped his turgid slug. "Does that offend the female sensibility though, m'lady?"

He wasn't really asking his wife. He laughed because he was most capable of determining what the female sensibility could handle. She still did not stir.

He was very proud of himself for staying married to a strong robot. She was a series 500 even though he could have upgraded to an 800 at this point. After all, he made lots of money!! But he didn't want to seem "shallow." Even though, as he so often giggled to himself, his wife was allowed to be shallow... she was only a few inches tall!!!

"Idea for a movie -- A woman who is STRONG" he scribbled into his Moleskine, then shut it with great satisfaction and a gentle squeeze to his blunt, horrific slab of dick. After a moment's consideration and the tip of his blunt pinkie finger firmly dug into his terrible penis hole, he reopened the notebook. "???" he added to the end. He laughed aloud with delight! Such is the life of Joss!!!!!

Monday, March 9, 2015

Chappie Exploratory Fiction Vol. 1

Chappie looked at the sun.
"Is this warm feeling on my skin... love?" asked Chappie, whose name was actually CHAPPiE.
"No, Chappie," smiled Kim. "Love is like warmth... in your heart."
She touched where his heart would be if he were not a robot. Chappie cried a single tear, which was some sort of robot lube?

Chappie wondered if IHOP was open, but he couldn't remember their phone number.
"Silly Chappie," smiled Kim. "IHOP is always open."
"Just like... my heart?" asked Chappie.

Chappie remembered the 1-800 number for IHOP! "But for what?" he wondered out loud.
"Such is the futility of life, Chappie," smiled Kim.
"Kim," said Chappie. "What is the scientific definition of life?"
Kim pointed to where Chappie's heart would be if he were not a robot. "I think the real question is 'what is the real definition... of love.'" Chappie pretended to smile but he thought that what Kim said sucked pretty bad.

"SPACE IS EXPLODING!!!" shouted Chappie.
Was it a dream?
No!! Chappie was watching a movie.
Perhaps... it was his own.

Chappie thought his mouth was on fire, but he was just eating a Warhead.

"If you stick a Warhead in a glass of water for awhile before you eat it, it makes you a real wuss, Chappie," said the bad guy. His name was probably Paul. He was mean as heck and had a weird eye.
"Paul (?), have you ever thought about how the human heart is a lot like a Warhead?" said Chappie.

Chappie couldn't save Kim. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't really sure who she was.
"I'm not human. I'm a monster," Chappie wept.
"Don't you see, Chappie?" snarled Paul or Pam maybe. "That makes you even more human."
"I don't get it," said Chappie.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015