Sunday, October 31, 2010

Monster4W, seeking companionship, delicious soft bone marrow

hi ladies :) :) ;) my name is chad. i have been looking for that special someone to share my life with and im sick of the barscene lol! i love hiphop n skateboarding even though im not very good at it it's my life and i don't know what id do without it! im just a normal guy looking to not crunch your bones and voraciously feast on your glistening entrails in the dank bloody cavern where i slowly and maliciously devour all my soft human victims lol. hit me up on FB or email me here, lol u no what to do! :) ;) >:() :,O X,,( :d !!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Excerpt from Le Noir Erotique

Jean-Paul’s manly need rippled through his body as he stretched out upon the French Riviera beach, his tawny skin kissing the pale blue sky as he ravished his young companion with his steel gray eyes. "Georgette," he mewled from his curled and scaly pink mouth. "It is your body I have dreamt of for lo these many years!" "AH JEAN-PAULLLLLL" squealed Georgette, clasping her slender hands daintily over her gently heaving ivory bosoms. "I have waited for you for so long to say those very words to me!" He roughly grabbed her shelf of back fat and pulled her close. "Ah Georgette," he cooed into her mustache. "Our sensual vacation of clammy bodily delights awaits us."
-- from my forthcoming erotic novel

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Manny the Manatee: The Blog Post: The Movie

Listen the fuck up, Disney.
You're terrible. You're struggling. You need a movie with a--are you listening?--MANATEE IN IT. They're no diggity SO HOT right now. 87 out of 92 stupid fucking kids agree, manatees are the new vampires.
"Oh no!" you stupid pussies are thinking. "Now we have to write some movie about manatees! What the hell are manatees? Are they a type of chewing gum?"
ERRRNNNNNHHHH (STEPPING ON BREAKS NOISE)!! HOLD IT, you Disney corporate fatcat wall streets! I ALREADY wrote this goddamn movie FOR you!!! It's about a Manatee named MANNY and he has a girl friend and a bad hammerhead Shark nemesis and why the fuck not a slow loris friend, because kids are too stupid to know what slow lorises is. It can talk with a Jamaican accent or some shit.
Now, a bunch of cartoon industry dumbfucks, including yourselves, are thinking 3-D and CGI are the new way to go. WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!! Just LOOK at the Accessories folder in your Start launch and see for yourselves -- it's MS PAINT. Kids these days don't learn jackshit about art ANYWHERE. Schools don't have money for art classes, and when kids DO get markers and glue, they spend all their time huffing or smoking it while sexting their teachers. The first experience this new generation of children get with art is awkwardly drawing Spongebob giving it to that fucking squirrel using the spray tool on the universal art-making program, MS PAINT.
Not sold yet? Well, fuck you too. And read this excerpt from my script I typed on WORD, a professional word processing program:

MANNY
I am save the ocean? But I am scarewd!
TITTERELLA
I belief in you I think the water neds you ot
MANNY
STOP TALKING I NEED TO THINIK OK
JAMBI THE SLOW LORIS
Ya mon like lit da mon dink he ned to sef os fram da shork do
MANNY
Jambi i Can always count of you for sense.
JAMBI THE SLOW LORIS
(gets hits in the nuts with a starfish)
Oyyyy monnn, my notttts!! (author's note: catchphrase JACKPOT)

I will share the rest of this script and drawings with you, Disney or whoever else has money, for the low low price of 250 grand and a lifetime supply of weed. You know how to get at me. So fucking holla.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Deep sea fishing


YOU'RE UGLY pulsed the jellyfish BUT I'M ALONE SO YOU'LL DO.
If you think I am that desperate, growled the angler fish, you're right.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

For every occasion

Here are some cards I have been working on! If you would like to give these to a loved one, coworker, friend, acquaintance, secret arch-nemesis (you know who you are, you loud-mouthed bitch), stalkee, or your favorite zookeeper, please feel free to print them out and make into IRL cards! Just credit "© K.L. Ingram, Marquess of Love, 2010" on the back in Sharpie or nail polish or whatever scratchy tool is available to you (tip: fingernails work in a pinch). If you want to commission original work from me, leave a comment with your name, address, alternate address, email, height, date of birth, short description of your ass, favorite type of apple, and phone number.

Samples from my portfolio (My Documents folder, which I renamed "BADASSSSS"). Click to enlarge if you can't read it—I don't want you to blame your eye cancer on me!:

From the "Hey, it's you, or whatever. Guess I should get you a card or something" line

From the "We're family but we hate each other and have terrible taste in TV" line

From the "Why is everyone I hate more successful than I'll ever be?" line

From the "Generic card occasion" line

From the "Ugh. Sisters." line