Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Spaghetti is a person! Dough & meat & grease!

I AM SEÑOR ESPAGUETIS!!!
MADE FOR YOUR CONSUMPTION SO PLEASE CONSUME ME!
PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY NOODLE ARMS TWITCHING AS I TRAVEL DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Ima be your one love, your #1 crab

DEAREST JUSTIN!!!!,
I am your number one fan I painted my walls the color of your face skin!!!! Please come visit me I will try not to drown you.
LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVERE
Krbarbkarkkkk

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My darling,
I hope you never read this letter. I wrote it in the Google search box on my browser's tool bar at work so I seem less suspicious. Yet this too is fraught with peril, for if I accidentally press enter it will be embedded in my browser history, and all could be lost.
Darling, darling, to get back to why I write this to you, except not to youI must tell someoneno wait, no one!of my feelings for you. How often I think of your clammy, meaty hands pawing through my hair, our bodies sticky and rank from the friction of lovemaking, your warm, milky breath jagged and humid in my ear. I need you badly but cannot tell you for a number of reasons, not least of which is your deep, violent loathing for women. I forgive you, darling, oh I forgive you, if only you'd kiss me, just once, with those sloppy pink pillows you call lips. Just a fistful of your glorious hair and a fleeting orgasm is all I ask.
Darling, I must go, for I fear that sitting here typing in the Google search bar on the Wikipedia page for "hard work" is beginning to look suspicious. Just remember how deeply I long for youor don't.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Excerpt from Le Noir Erotique: Chapter 2

The stringy, twisted mustache of Jean-Paul glistened and gleamed from his sensual efforts. The bristles in his slender nostrils winked in the moonlight as he thrusted, his powerful, sinewy muscles knotting beneath the salmon-colored flesh of his buttocks.
"Arg," argged Jean-Paul.
"Arooo?" Georgette howled questioningly. Jean-Paul's pink-cheeked virility made her eyes roll back in her head a full 360 degrees.
"ARGGGG!" he argged again, sinking his canines into her ample brow and vacuuming up a good amount of her headflesh into his mouth. "Enuh tah. Tih uh feh ot a ur-shihuh urgahzah ih yor oboree feeh lih."
She bucked her hips and squeezed her powerful, tree trunk-like legs around his torso. Her bellow would echo through the piney forest for a very long time, bouncing around in the ears of future sylvan lovers for years to come: "LET LOOSE YOUR PEARLESCENT RIVER, YOU BRAWNY RAPSCALLION!"
-- from my forthcoming erotic novel

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is for you

Hey you.
I wrote you something. A love letter. I put all of myself into it—all my feelings, my desires and dreams, my love for you. Then I got too embarrassed and erased it and drew you this picture of Taylor Lautner on a riding tractor instead.
I realize this is probably why you don’t love me, but what am I supposed to do? Not draw pictures of Taylor Lautner on a riding tractor? Sorry.
Love,
Me

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I have whatever the opposite of psychosis is

You know how sometimes you're talking to someone, just anyone really, like in line at the grocery store or waiting to cross the street, and as you babble on about the weather or the price of kiwis you realize they're really millions of baby spiders hiding inside a latex human suit? And when you realize, you can't speak and you try to gasp or scream but your every muscle is frozen in horror, and then they turn into a horrible, melting monster that kind of looks like your mom with Sean Connery's face growing out of its scaly, boil-covered back as it vomits baby spiders endlessly, drowning you slowly in the squirming void as you stand paralyzed by utter terror? MEEEE NEITHERRRRR LOLLLLL!!!! So glad we can agree on that.

Monday, November 1, 2010

"Sex Crazy Cop" by Leoncie - LYRIXXX



my transcription of Leoncie's touching lyrics to "Sex Crazy Cop"
He toldur that he wazint sorrehhh
He waz workin laaate and she shoota da stannn
She toldim I down believya storeh
It's just oneifa u-zoo-al one nye stans
Yuuurla tellin meh lahs, an think dah ahbaleerb yeh
Yor satcha lowr der greep enn hah despise you
Nothin seems to madder to yeeeerw ennie watch cheap seckss
Cheap secksss!
No needa chellis. Thurs no needabe chellis.
She wass onea of dose eesie pushy borhin trambs
Shat tha hellup! Whal you were bissie duinit
I woss worekin hoorrrrd at the disco beeenk
You were justa lousy gup and not some great detettih
You pickle all da sluts from the street and screwdim in sikhrat
If thas not enough, you go pooda spool geh some more
Cheap secksss!
You bangdem inda mornin! Bangdem evry deeh!
Come home in the evenin saynits ok
Weetcheeng his doktore told you that it's safe! Fuh yuh famuhly!
You were justa lousy gup and not some great detettih
You pickle all da sluts from the street and screwdimin sikhrat
If thass not enough, go guerda der spoo gessome more
Cheap secksss!
You bangdem inda mornin! Bangdem evry deeh!
Come home in the evenin saynits ok
Weetcheeng his doktore told you that it's safe! Fuh yuh famuhly!
Ohhh! Cheap secksss!