Sunday, February 27, 2011

a whale shark trips balls

ahh, it's like I can't even feel the world around me but I've never felt anything that feels so good on my body

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Books are 99.99% filler

“And so we beat off, bones against the current, born black seedfully into the past.”
– F. Scott Snitzgerald

It's no surprise that that line is the only thing literally any human remembers from the novel The Childish Gambino. It's the very last sentence of the entire book and therefore the only one that matters. Last lines are the only parts of novels that people ever even need to read. The rest of the book is a bunch of “Ooh looguh me, I know dozens of words, I wasn't the only native English speaker in my middle school's ESL class, SELF-BJ.” Yeah, big whoop, hot shot, YOU DON'T SEE ME BRAGGING THAT I GOT A FREE HOT DOG WHEN THE HOT DOG CART GUY DROPPED MY FIRST ONE ON THE GROUND AND I PICKED IT UP OUT OF THE TRASH WHEN HE WASN'T LOOKING.
So to give people what they want, and for that reason and that reason alone and certainly not because I lack the talent and want to save myself the incredible trouble and time and energy of actually writing a book (I could if I wannid I jus don’t wanner), I’m putting together a novel of last lines of novels that remain unwritten except for the most important sentence of all.

  • “I’ll never forget him,” Dawn sighs, fat tears surging hotly from her eyes, “mostly because of the stains he left behind.”
  • And love, well—that’s the greatest antiseptic of all.
  • Quartz turned to look and there stood her manful hero, his chest gouged with bleeding leech wounds but his arrogant smile shining, triumphant against the exploding galaxy behind him.
  • He didnt dream of commas apostrophes or hyphens anymore and that was dont you think the greatest and most confusing or least able to understand gift of all.
  • “If it weren’t for your face grease, those rescue crews never would have found us,” she said with a smile jagging her scarred cheek skin, and she slammed the igloo door in his face forever.
  • In time the cemetery stone grew worn from the cold rains and only I, I never forgot the heroes who gave their lives to assure that all could come on and slam, and be welcomed, welcomed to the space jam.
  • “By John Travolta’s maidenhead!”
  • And now that we are at the end, you’ll notice this sentence has the only letter “u” in this entire book; pretty clever, right, dickbag?
  • Together their jowls slapped into the morning, each moist smaksmak ringing like lovers’ warmly cooed words in their ears.
  • Did any of us truly appreciate Link, or did we just use him to wake the windfish because it was easy, because he was there, because he was a stranger who remembered to trade for the boomerang before Eagle’s Towerthe questions we are damned to torture ourselves with, trapped in the hideous timeless fate of survivors.
  • tl;dr
  • My lady, my companion, my Wilhelmina, my sobbing monster ghost, my glorious shining gristle speck of a woman!
  • I had fondled my way out of the breast maze but for nothing, all for nothing.
  • And if only all the dinner guests chattering mindlessly and gaily had not been ignoring their grim host, they would have seen the slight, upturned crook at the left corner of his crusted gray mouth, a gesture that gloated silently, that noiselessy and cruelly shrieked, revenge is a dish best served with dandruff in food.
  • Me nom eh DAVIDDDD!!
  • The warm pressure of his hand around hers filled her so utterly with reassurance and joy that she didn’t feel she had to apologize for barfing in his mouth for the second time that night.
  • He whispered creakily, sadly, to no one at all, “Dear Jesus, it’s in every single orifice.”
  • They died together, not of old age, not of disease; some would say of pure joy, others would say it was simply their time, but if you ask this old-timer, and I guess you will because you’re the one reading my book!, it was for the purest and simplest and oldest reason of all: their constant fucking.
  • Drowning in a sea of poison burritos until time itself ticks out.
  • Thorsson’s bold, mighty baritone miraculously rang above the din of blood-screams and entrail-rippings of the battle: HOLD FAST, MEN, AND DON'T STOP UNTIL YOUVE BITTEN THE BEASTS COLON IN HALF!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

or does it explode

what happens to a dream deferred
does it melt like a possum cowboy's creamsicle in the sun?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sunday, February 13, 2011



HEY LADIES, why are you alone? No, not because you're uninteresting. And it's not your total inability to empathize with any other human being. I'll tell you. No, it's not your crippling selfishness, either--stop naming things already and I'll tell you why, okay? It's those unflattering pictures of you. Your uneven skin tone, your crooked and stained teeth, your stunted eyelashes: what man would possibly want you?

Listen up, and listen good: The only way to find a man is to trick him by seeming attractive in photographs.

Now that I've broken you down, ARE YOU READY TO STOP BEING ALONE AND FIND THAT DREAM BRO RIGHT NOW?? Open up that slightly misshapen, too-small ear of yours and hear this: I am hiring out my amazing photoshop skills to help YOU trap any man you want. Did I say trap? I meant drug. No, trap is right. Trap him with a sexy picture retouched by -->ME<-- personally.

"BUT WAIT" I can hear you saying right now. Jesus, is that really your voice? No wonder you're alone, you shrieking, nitpicking harpy. "LET ME SEE AN EXAMPLE OF YOUR WORK."

Open up your beady eyes for this before and after. Believe it or not, this is sextastic sexslut KATY PERRY with no makeup, blotchy skin, and assorted skin folds:

Augh yuck, women in their natural state! Who wants to see that! Nature is terrible. Do you see a little of yourself in this? If you do, FUCKING LOOK AT THIS SHIT AND IMAGINE YOURSELF LOOKING THIS GLAMOROUS IF YOU ARE EVEN ABLE TO AND YOU PROBABLY AREN'T:

I'm going to let this image of a stunningly beautiful young lady speak for itself. "I'm beautiful and you're not--won't you be like me?" is what it said. Literally. To me only, though. If you want to look this great and nab a hot cup of dood for yourself, contact me with the coupon code "UGLYFUCK" and I will give you a 5 percent discount on a retouching. I look forward to putting you on your way to true love by staring at your assorted weird skin tabs for hours on end.

Remember: "Catfishing" is just another way to say "I love you."