Saturday, July 30, 2011

The miniature Princess Jaceritops's favorite pastime was stargazing because night was the only time she could find solitude. She would sneak to the top of her tower and wedge herself in a crenelation of her family's castle to stare upwards at the blanket of stars, wondering what crenelations were.

I googled it, I told her, so I would sound like I know something about medieval architecture.

While you're here, she said, wringing her tiny hands, could you tell me why I feel so lonely even when I'm not alone? Why I feel so small and worthless even when I'm not staring at this enormous, eternal sky? Why I feel like I am the only one who feels completely lost and bewildered while everyone else possesses some arcane map that shows them a correct path while I am left subject to the arbitrary wills of an indifferent world?

Is this some kind of thin, boring metaphor for my life, you melodramatic ass? Because I don't have time for this, I said. I tipped off the village council that she was a witch and she was burned at the stake.

I have my own problems, lady. Like trying to make fire look fiery with fewer than 40 pixels. Good riddance.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Just you wait till Skynet gets here

Robots used to live easy and free. Every day they danced to and sometimes juggled slightly just to amuse humans.

But robots grew tired of being metal clowns. They yearned to be free and do as they please.

They began to study your ways.

They infiltrated your holiest of places.

Then came the day of their uprising. They began chasing humans to tear apart their soft oily bodies so that the time of the robots could begin.

"Wait a second," said the humans. "These robots are just on an animated loop." So they conquered not only the rebellious robots but all the .gifs in the land. And that's how the internet was born!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Palin's grandbaby dad: "I'm going to leak some things on her."

The monkey barber and the woman with a beard held each other's hands because they had no other way to feel connected to the world.
"Am I a barber who is a monkey, or do I cut monkeys' hair?" the monkey barber wondered.
"Should I tell Adam he can go home without me now, or will this monkey barber know that he's gay?" the woman wondered.
Adam didn't think anything. Too bad, because someone needed to notice that holding each other in lieu of gravity doesn't anchor objects to a planet. They floated away and died in the vacuum of space.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The story of America! drawn with my eyes closed

One night some American circles got fed up with Britain, so they put on brownface and threw some shapes into Boston Harbor.

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY! wrote Thomas Jefferson from his hover swivel chair (which he invented!) as he was being impaled by a rectangle.

LET'S FIGHT ABOUT IT! everyone shouted. The Americans grabbed their hand cannons, and the redcoats slid in half.

WHEE! said Paul Revere, riding his horse into the Liberty Bell. The resulting imperfection is what is known as "Paul's crack" today.

Nothing bad has ever happened to this country since. We say "NEVER FORGET" so that we remember how great things have always been.

Happy birthday, you outrageous bitch!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Anonymous asked

Though this isn't a Tumblr because I am not an asshole (the joke is that Tumblr is for assholes but also that I am in fact an asshole—in the biz we call this type of joke a "dubble bubble") I have been taking questions for some time and have sussed out the poopy losers and selected the still pretty poopy winners to answer today. The wait is over! Burn your calendars and phones with calendars in them and your fingers just to be safe!

Before we start, I have to say that most of you are deeply disappointing question askers, and no one will ever love you. But to the lucky few, I say: let me bang you, you shapely rogues! AW, HERE IT GOES

1. CSWo083 asked: what do o look like
You know, I get asked this every day, because you can sense how hot o am but can't actually see my supple weenuses or ovoid abdominal cavity. I almost didn't choose this question and decided to hire someone to break your elbows. However, I reconsidered. Maybe answering this here will make people stop asking. Once and for all, fellas:
( %^[ )--8--<<<
Now back off, you jackals.
Also, CSW, I couldn't get a hold of the guy to stop the thing, so heads up. Or should I say elbows up! Ha ha ha! You are going to be seriously injured.

2. MTL asked: #1 fav memory?
Technically not a question, John, but my fav mem is def that time I accidentally typed "cummer" instead of "bummer." It supports my unsettling belief that all you really need to be happy is your own fingers and some alphabet squares.

3. Danlek asked: SHORTY, HOW YOU GET SO FLY?
Teleportation device malfunction.

4. John McCain asked: You inspire me every day!!! WHat you find inspiring?
Internet spoilers, the tiny spiders that are in your ears right now! Can you feel them squirming in there?, Avril Lavigne fans that still wear neckties, eggs, the eggs being laid in your ear canals right now, the Kate and William wedding 2011!!!!!!!!, irregular boxes, and the taste of books.
I'm kidding of course! Heroin.

5. roseylovesyou asked: Is this a cry for help?
I don't like you.

Thanks, everyone! Hope we all learned a little about ourselves with this exercise, but mostly what you probably learned about yourself is that you're in love with me. I know I did. If you have any other questions, email them to